Today’s word is Sapiosexual:

Sapiosexual (n): a person who is sexually attracted to intelligence in others.

Sapiosexual (adj): of, or relating to, finding intellectual stimulation sexually arousing.

I just recently learned of this term and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I feel like it explains well what/who turns me on and off because it’s been a recurring theme in my relationships over the past few years. I think it applies to me but I wonder by what measure I self-identify with sapiosexuality/as sapiosexual as opposed to just “finding brains hot.”  

Thoughts?

Trigger warning: sexual assault.

I thought it might be pertinent to refresh everyone on what consent is, and teach a little about making sure you get enthusiastic consent before engaging in sexual relations. To me, enthusiastic consent means “YES HOLY GOD YES I WANT THIS SO BAD” and not “ugh fine I’ll just get it over with then he’ll leave me alone”. But more on that later.

I just recently ended a serious, committed relationship with a man who, one night, tried to force himself on me. Several times. I turned my back to him, blocked access to my neck with my shoulder, turned my face away when he tried to kiss me, removed his wandering hand, and ended up curled up into a tiny ball, frightened and confused that my partner was making me feel so scared, and wondering: is this going to turn into sexual assault? Is he trying to assault me right now? I was suddenly very aware of his 6’4, 190lbs frame and how physically strong he was. Very aware, and afraid to fall asleep. What made the incident worse was how he justified it a while after. He just found me SO sexually attractive that he NEEDED me, and at that moment, what I wanted became secondary. His words, not mine. He also explained that he was just expecting sex to happen, since up until then we’d been pretty active sexually when we saw each other.

In other words, it was my fault for making him hot for me, and as his girlfriend, my consent was just implied… and it’s up to me to kick and scream to indicate if I don’t want sex? That’s ridiculous. Forgive me for believing that men aren’t rape machines just waiting to be set off by our vaginas and tits.

I obviously ended it with him, and am now stuck dealing with feelings of disgust, shame and also resurfacing feelings from past history of abuse. Great. But it’s not something entirely uncommon. While it was the worst episode I’d ever had with an intimate partner, I started thinking about all the times I caved and let a guy have sex with me just so he would leave me alone. I’m sure staring at the ceiling just hoping for it to end quickly is something of a universal experience for women.

The thing is, after having dealt with sexual abuse myself, going through years of therapy, becoming a rape crisis counselor, I’ve come to the realization that this sort of behavior is just completely accepted and considered normal. I told two female coworkers about the incident with my now ex-boyfriend, and they shrugged it off: “Yeah, but you know, guys just do that, it’s not ATTEMPTED RAPE, jeez,” they chuckled, shaking their heads and rolling their eyes at each other behind my back. It’s okay though – for them to recognize this violation of boundaries as attempted assault would force them to examine their own relationships, past or present, and that might make them feel pretty shitty about their intimate life with their partners. It’s okay. It’s an uncomfortable truth that not many people want to talk about or acknowledge. But I want to talk about it, because I’m so sick and tired of feeling like this.

Just  to clarify, here is a definition of what sexual assault is according to the Criminal Code of Canada:

265. (1) A person commits an assault when

(a) without the consent of another person, he applies force intentionally to that other person, directly or indirectly;

(b) HE ATTEMPTS or threatens, BY AN ACT OR A GESTURE, TO APPLY FORCE TO ANOTHER PERSON, if he has, or causes that other person to believe on reasonable grounds that he has, present ability to effect his purpose; or

(c) while openly wearing or carrying a weapon or an imitation thereof, he accosts or impedes another person or begs.

[…]

(3) For the purposes of this section, NO CONSENT IS OBTAINED WHERE THE COMPLAINANT SUBMITS OR DOES NOT RESIST by reason of

(a) the application of force to the complainant or to a person other than the complainant;

(b) threats or fear of the application of force to the complainant or to a person other than the complainant;

(c) fraud; or

(d) the exercise of authority.

Emphasis is mine.

Now, I’m a mostly straight cisgendered woman, so I can only speak about my own personal experiences with men, but they seem to be something other women in heterosexual relationships go through pretty often. I’m not saying it’s everyone, but yesterday I tweeted: “I’m going to write a post about consent soon. Because a lot of people don’t understand how enthusiastic consent works and I’m SICK of it”, and no less than a dozen people replied to me or DMd me, encouraging me to write the post, saying they’re also sick of being made to feel like they’re obligated to provide sex as an essential service, and that there has to be a minimum amount of sex provided to their partner and that it’s accepted as a Universal Truth everyone has to conform to because, well… just because.

So after years of being sexually active but only a few of being aware of consent, I offer you all a few pointers (these are my own personal tips, so gentlemen wishing to engage in sexy time, heed the following or don’t even think about getting anywhere near me – everyone else, feel free to use these in your consensual sexual life):

Legally it is up to you to GET consent. Not up to the other person to yell, fight, make smoke signals and otherwise do everything in his/her power to indicate that they do not want to engage in sexual contact.

No means no, but really, if you get anything less than an enthusiastic YES or a positive, horny reaction right away, STOP.

When we wake up and you grind your erection into the small of my back, I know exactly what you’re trying to do and what you want. I GET IT. If I don’t reply/return the “favor” immediately, STOP.

When you then rub my back, I know exactly what you’re doing because as soon as I move even a little bit, you pounce again and try to have sex with me. I GET IT. You’re making me feel like shit for not wanting to have sex with you, and I’m thinking of ways I can get out of this or hoping it’ll last 30 seconds so we can finally fucking move on.

I am pretty expressive when I am in the mood for sex. I’ll make out with you, grab the back of your neck, grind onto your thigh, flat out tell you what I would like to do, etc. There really is no mistaking what I am in the mood for and when I want it. If I am not doing that after you test the waters a little bit, STOP.

Consent is NOT about wearing someone down until they finally agree to let you masturbate your penis in their vagina/mouth/hand/anus.

Do you honestly want to get off SO bad that you don’t care that your partner might find the whole experience repulsive?

Or is desperately thinking about a million other things during the sex so he/she doesn’t have to deal with what you’re doing to them or making them feel like they have to do because you won’t leave them the hell alone?

Why does sex have to be so penis-centric anyway? Why can’t sex also be cuddling, touching, making out, maybe some light manual stimulation and then a nice hot chocolate after? Why is all of that considered “foreplay” and just a thing that has to be done to get to the “good stuff” or rather, “the end of successful sexual contact” – the pounding?

Are you honestly so entitled, selfish, immature and emotionally unintelligent that you believe your partner’s body is yours for the taking because you are turned on by them, to satisfy some NEED, and you cannot fathom being told no because you’re just used to having sex when you want when in a relationship, sexual, romantic or otherwise?

There is nothing biological that excuses coercing someone into having sex. In fact, that is sugarcoating it. Let’s call a spade a spade: it’s sexual assault. I don’t care if you’ve been married for 15 years or have been having sex five times a day every day for the past year. Also, games of power and control are agreed upon beforehand, and consent is always something that can be revoked, so don’t give me that either. It’s happened that I’ve wanted sex and not gotten it and felt sexually frustrated, but guess what. If you want a partner who is always willing and will say yes no matter what, you have your hand for that, and I do too. Sex is not some creepy power exchange where one person gets what they want from someone or does something TO them. Sex should be with, together, equal, fair and consensual.

Yes, my language is strong and direct. And yes, I expect some backlash. But it’s too important an issue, too damaging a situation/crime and too easy to get away with to mince words right now.

I don’t owe it to anyone to meet them halfway on consent. Anything less than yes is no.